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I love me, and my body, my tattoos and my piercings….but that’s all people see. They don’t see past the body modifications to see who I am…my character and my personality. After getting looked at funny, or made fun of, or assumptions, it does start to hurt. And it does make me cry. I do have feelings and I do have my limits. Today I’m at my limit. Today I cry.
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Hi :-) So I haven’t blogged in a really long time, so I figured I’d catch everybody up on the inner workings of my life in the past 8 months or so.
I’m still in school for Microbiology. I think I will double major in Forensic Chemistry, or Biochemistry. We shall see. At any rate, I love school. It keeps my mind busy.
Kendal and I are officially getting a divorce. I just have to come up with the money. I have decided to give him the house. If I refinance it into his name then he can figure out what to do with it later. I won’t have to deal with trying to sell it and whatnot. It’s a new year, new beginnings sound good to me.
Shaun is officially out of my life, as a friend and previously as a boyfriend. He wasn’t good…one broken hand later I feel super dumb for ever dating him. I guess we all make mistakes in our judgements of people. The only good thing about being with Shaun is that I met some pretty cool people that I’m glad to call friends :-)
On a better note. I have a really good guy in my life. I haven’t been this happy in so long. I do feel bad that he has to deal with all my problems (see further down). It’s not fair to him, but he says he loves me and that we’re one, and my problems are his. He makes everything better. He’s a good man, you should meet him. :)
My Crohn’s disease is making a big comeback. I haven’t felt good in a long time. I had a colonoscopy and it shows that it has spread. It hurts to eat, and I’m in pain a lot. My doctor might up my dosage of the Humira. This also increases my chances in developing cancer…chance of cancer…Crohn’s disease in remission…to be honest I don’t know which one would be better. Both can kill me.
I’ve been having a lot of problems lately with sleep, anxiety and randomly having bouts of snot inducing hyperventilating crying fits. I’ve been cutting again, deeper and deeper. I would like to stop, but about 90% of the time I don’t remember even doing it. I’m afraid that I might do something more permanent.I found a picture of my rapist and I haven’t been able to sleep very well. I’m afraid to sleep because I can still see him, smell him and feel him. I’m tired of it all. Sometimes I just want everything to end. But I can’t do that to the people in my life…so I cut, and I cry, and I take medication to make my life easier to bear.
Listen to this song.
You were a trusted friend in my company. I let you into my life and you destroyed it in one night. Because of you I have nightmares that wake me up, drenched in sweat and tears. This morning I threw up after my dream of you. Something was dripping down my lip and I realized that I bit through it and I was bleeding. Sometimes I don’t want anyone to touch me and I cut myself in an attempt to feel something other than you. That night I scrubbed my skin raw because of you. I wasn’t even supposed to be in the showers that late and I got in trouble. The following day you just acted like nothing happened. I couldn’t say anything about what happened, you were a rank above me with basically the entire corps at your fingertips. I’ve never said that I hated anyone, but I hate you. Although having Crohn’s Disease sucks, it is a blessing in disguise because it took me away from you. Nobody understands. They want me to “talk” about it but they don’t understand, so they medicate me. I wanna just scream and you, make you admit to what you did to me. You never will though. I blame you——
This is all for now, I just had to get it off my chest today. Now I gotta get ready for school, then take Shaun to his domestic violence classes. :) lol.
Happy “Hug an Australian Day!” Show your love and affection today for those down under. Grab an Aussie and hug away! Be prepared for possible harassment charges—
Didn’t think it would happen, but it has…
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All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
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This is my first blog so bear with me. Lets see…I am recently separated. He wants a divorce, can’t afford it though. Until I can fart money, I will have to save up for my divorce. Thankfully all we have together is the house and he doesn’t want it. Situation? He left me, not the other way around. This makes things hard, not that me leaving him would be any less harder. And yet he is mad at me because I am dating so soon. He left me. I don’t see the problem here? He can’t be friends with me anymore. His loss. It’s funny how a relationship can be so great, and then all of a sudden you feel like they hate you. I don’t think i’ve felt that hated in a long time.
I remember things being really good, he respected me and my feelings. Then we got married and that went down the shit hole. He even said that he knew he was hurting me but didn’t want to stop. Ouch
He kept the strip clubs from me. He knows my feelings on them. I don’t understand why you can’t just go to a regular bar instead of a bar where whores shake their tits in your face. It’s one thing if you are single, but if you’re with somebody you supposedly love why do you want to see anyone else naked? He says he doesn’t watch, but he’s told me otherwise that he’s seen at least one naked. Which brings me to my next point. He met a girl and kept her from me for MONTHS. Instead of like “Hey, I met a really cool girl the other day, wanna meet her? or something to that effect, he hid it. When people hide things from their spouses, it’s usually because they know they’re doing something wrong. Oh, and she’s the stripper he’s seen naked. Awesome. I feel really wanted now.
I was a damn good wife. I am a damn good friend as well. Oh well, shit happens I guess.
I have 1 german shepherd and 4 cats. They are like my children: Xena (dog), Tokie, Squiggy, Pickles and Sterling.
I am going to school to get my masters in Microbiology. Studying bacteria, viruses, prions is so freakin sweet! Maybe I can find a cure for viruses…new antibiotics…fun :)
Five years in the military. Went to Westpoint. Raped. Getting counseling? Trying. Apparently I can’t get PTSD support because I never reported it. Oh well. Shit happens.
I have Crohn’s Disease, which makes my life a bit harder. If you want any information on how, look it up.
I am actually happy, despite the things that are going on in my life. I love this crazy life I am living. I wouldn’t give it up for the world :)
Thank you Anelisa for telling me to sign up for Tumblr. At least now I can type down my thoughts and feelings…or whatever else without judgement.
I love you